Happiness and Hard Decisions

Liam's winding down. I can still hear him jabbering to daddy as he falls asleep. We've been taking turns laying down with him in 20-30 minute shifts until he falls asleep. I'm not quite sure why. He ends up in our bed by 2 am anyway...

He's never been a good sleeper. Even the nurses said he was the most alert newborn they've ever seen. Which means mommy and daddy have not gotten a full night of sleep (except for the occasional night for Liam at Mamaw and Papa's) in going on 2 1/2 years. 

Now that he is getting older, we keep getting asked when we are going to have the next one. I used to say "not yet". Now, when I say "we're probably not," the shocked look I often get makes me feel uneasy. My mother always said I couldn't have just one, but why? She did. Sheesh.

When did it become such a crime to only have one child? Does that make us selfish? Does he need a sibling? Who says they would even be close in the future? So many thoughts spin around in my head about this. I loved being pregnant, I would do it again in a heartbeat. But raising a baby is tough....and exhausting....and frightening. I had a hard time when he was little. He barely slept, so I  barely slept. He was demanding and stubborn. Not to mention my postpartum depression was difficult, especially with a manic-depressive disorder. 

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't trade being a mom for the world. Every moment truly is a gift. I realize that. Having that little boy is like having my heart walking around outside my body. I love the time I spend with him, and I think that's a big factor in why we are choosing an only child family. I want to be able to give him everything. I want to be at all his ball games, all his school plays, help with all his homework, and enjoy doing it. We just don't have the room, or the financial stability. I want to do what is fair, and what is good for all of us.

So why is it so hard? Is it that this part of our life is coming to an end? Maybe. I may never be sure, and I may never get over the guilt. I want another child, but I won't sacrifice my own happiness or my family's to have one. I was not a good person for some of Liam's early days, I think. Call it right, call it wrong, call it what you will. But as long as I have my husband's and little boy's love, I have all I could ever need. And maybe one day this decision won't ache so bad.